The Baby Blues Chapter - Postpartum Depression

Let’s call it what it is - depression. Baby blues my ass.

Once M came home for the first time, it all became very real. I started having thoughts like "I wanted to give her back — drop her off at the fire station" (I don't even think you can do that in South Africa). "I didn’t want her". "Let me just get in the car with her and be in a car accident. Then our lives will go back to normal". I didn’t want this attachment to me 24/7.

But then, the other side of the coin was the anxiety: Is she breathing? Is she okay? I had the Owlet on her permanently. So clearly, I didn’t really want her to die. But the only thing I kept thinking was: I don’t want her.

My thoughts became very dark. I didn’t want to be alone with her. I didn’t want my partner to go back to work. I just sat there, staring at her for hours. I didn’t know what to do with her.

As mentioned before, we are blessed with a village. My mom came to stay with us for about a week, and we have a very close friend who is a doctor. He got me onto antidepressants (Lexamil) pretty quickly. I started seeing a psychologist and tried to cope with what my mind was doing.

My doctor explained that this was all hormonal — and that I did love my baby. It’s just something we had to treat and manage while waiting for my hormones to balance out.

After about two weeks on the medication, things got bad again. I went back to my doctor, and we adjusted the medication (to Cymgen).I also started going for ketamine infusions to manage the depression and anxiety. My first infusion was very emotional. But after three infusions, the new medication, and lots of support from family and friends —I started to feel like I could manage this.

Along with being medicated and supported, I started going to a mommy and baby group. This helped me to:

1. Get out of the house

2. Interact with people

3. Get to know my baby

This group played a huge role in my healing. It was moms supporting moms — sharing experiences, hard truths, and funny stories. It’s something I will always be deeply grateful for.

I was very open about my PPD. And once I started talking about it, I realised that a lot of what I was thinking and feeling was very common.

I think a lot of moms experience PPD — we just don’t talk about it enough. It’s not just a "baby blues" season. We are not meant to feel like this. But a lot of these thoughts are seen as normal and something that just happens. I was lucky enought to have a friend who told me not to wait too long — and to get help. I listened.

Yes, I think our birth story, the NICU stay, the readmission — they all contributed to my PPD. But truthfully, it probably would have happened anyway.

I was also primarily pumping — and I truly believe this played a big role in my depression. So many moms mention this. There’s this massive relief when you stop. We put so much pressure on ourselves to produce food for our little humans, and the process of pumping and tracking every drop just escalates the anxiety.

In the end, it is not fun to want your baby dead — or to want to disappear. It’s terrifying. And it destroys a part of you.

We need to talk about this more. Moms are not alone in this.